Yesterday, Fritz, Finn, Sapphire and I attempted to go get really cheap donuts across town. However, by the time we’d arrived, they had freaking sold out. We were sorely disappointed (well, except for Finn, who is apparently on a diet because he’s a skrub). The sale is supposedly happening again tonight, so here’s hoping…
Finn and I went to a chemistry study session last night that featured one boy dancing to and singing “Single Ladies,” another boy and I talking about the remarkable properties of Krypton (things I knew nothing about until Finn told me), a girl with the same name as me and I singing “Kryptonite” dramatically while she wrote problems on the whiteboard, one boy discovering creative ways to flip people off, another girl remarking that surfing the internet instead of doing homework is extremely productive, and yet another boy asking if he could date Finn and teaching us about comics we never wanted to know existed.
People are cool.
Last night, Finn and I went to a chemistry study session organized by a girl in my chem class. After trying in vain to do homework for a few hours in the study room on our floor, we relocated to the library (and Starbucks!). A boy we met in the group, Fox, started talking to Finn and I about comics and such. Finn pulled up our eighty page “Apocalypse, Pls” script on my computer and started describing the fight scene between Ivan and Sozai in vivid detail.
“… Man, so the dude gets freakin’ punched in the face, and he’s supposed to say, ‘mother—’ and then collapse…”
Fox looked a bit dazed at first, but soon turned a curious, disarmed look on me and asked, “Are you dating him?”
Both of us responded with, “No.”
Without changing facial expressions at all, he asked, “Can I?”
A beautiful picture edited by Finn himself.
Sometimes store brand ice cream constitutes a meal.
Sometimes a meal is just a rice bowl full of potatoes.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Finn is not amuse.
Sapphire’s eighteenth birthday present.
In case you were wondering what June’s Chemistry notes look like…
Don’t mind us, we’re just in an Arby’s at midnight.
Eric wishes we’d paid attention to his Magic lesson.
Srsly, university student? Han shot first.
That there’s a demon.
(The dryer popped open on its own after about thirty minutes and spat Finn’s clothing all over the floor.)
STARBUCKS TRUCK GIVING AWAY STARBUCKS ENERGY DRINKS! Heck yes.
In the two weeks I’ve been on campus, I’ve heard some interesting statements from fellow classmates, friends and college professors alike. Here is a collection of a few one-liners that have been heard here at Uni.
Finn [about tea sweetened with Nutella]: This is nasty.
Biology Professor: This next chapter is called “Chemistry Will Hunt You Down.”
Finn: You pepper spray him, then I’ll punch him out.
Sapphire: Boys are trouble, but trouble is fun.
Chemistry Professor [final line of a story about putting Nitrogen Triiodide under a toilet seat]: The first person to sit down the next morning literally gets the s*** scared out of him.
Finn: Man, we’re going to get RIIIIIPPED~!
Guy Behind Me in Calculus: Life is boring. Then you turn 21. Then it’s not as boring.
FYE Professor: Go to Birmingham. That’s where the wizard lives. He’ll fix you.
Chemistry Professor [about speaking the language of Chemical formulas]: We’re going to start with baby talk and work our way up to elegant eighteenth century English—Emily Austin or something.
Papillon [about Finn]: We should just get him a key made.
Anri [shouting]: … and then Ed Sheeran ******* comes on stage!
Finn: I’ve got a hankerin’ for Sammy’s Speedy Subs that only Sammy’s Speedy Subs can satisfy.
Sherly [over iMessage]: What is life.
Chemistry Professor: … if you want to become a terrorist.
Boy Behind Me In Line At An Ambassador Young Event: I would go talk to her, but it’s not the time! It ain’t the season!
Chemistry Professor: If the first job everybody had was working on a farm, we’d have a lot more people graduating college.
Sapphire [flopped over on her bed]: **** my life.
Finn: You are a free human being! You can do what you want!
Today marks an important day for Sherly: She is officially a college student. While we are very proud of her, not to mention happy for her, all of us (her friends at home) already miss her dearly.
We knew they were coming, but that didn’t make the goodbyes any easier.
Sherly, if you manage to find the time to read this, Finn, Scout and I (and probably the others, too) would like to say something to you:
(To shamelessly quote phrases that Sherly and Finn, in that order, wrote for Apocalypse, Pls:)
Though this may be the end of times, it’s certainly not the end of us. We’re family, and family stays family forever.
Study hard, have fun, make friends, and be a boss. Just remember, we’re always here for you.
The following post was penned by our very own Sherly Holmes. Please enjoy!
I, Sherly, being the responsible, future-oriented INTJ that I am, thought it prudent to find part time work my senior year. After desperately looking into every source of income short of selling my hair to a wig shop, I eventually found employment at a local sub shop I’ll call “Sammy’s Speedy Subs.”
My mother had warned me that working one’s first job is an experience completely unlike anything the said teenager would have experienced prior to employment. In hindsight, I believe she was referring to how unpleasant the mélange of manual labor, paltry wages, and the immutable scent of grease can be. In regards to my time at Sammy’s, she was correct: it certainly has been a singular experience—but not for the reasons she implied it would be.
As an INTJ, I’m not a people person. Yick. However, I will confess that it’s the people that make working at Sammy’s a singular experience. I work with some proper characters. But more on them later. Suffice it to say that I likely spend more time at my job laughing than I do actually working.
Midway through the year (perhaps December), Finn expressed an interest in employment. After several months of attempting to get Finn in touch with the head manager (“Mickey,” a universally resented figure at Sammy’s), Finn finally passed our arduous “sandwich test” and was offered employment.
Since we both began working at Sammy’s, most of the unusual stories Finn and I share with the rest of the group seem to always claim Sammy’s Subs as their provenance. Yes, hard work does occur at our place of employment—quite often we and other employees find ourselves sweeping, mopping, and (shudder) cleaning the cold table—but much of what goes on could be described as merely shenanigans.
For your amusement, I’ll give you a little breakdown of some of the antics, shenanigans, and other chaos that goes on at my job. I’ve got quite a few stories—considering that I’m at Sammy’s practically every bloody day.
The Unstoppable Duo
The duo I refer to in the above is Finn and I. And by “unstoppable,” I mean entirely stoppable in every way. And generally fairly slow—although that’s not my fault.
Generally, Finn and I spend most of our time talking to each other. Although we’re both introverts, the normally outgoing (ish) and amiable Finn becomes a bit shy at Sammy’s; I’m one of the only people he talks to. I, on the other hand, am a bit more jocular and talkative than usual, a fact I attribute to the presence of quirky coworkers with whom I can easily fool around (I’m often bored enough to do this), and the fact that I’ve worked with many of the same individuals for nearly a year now. We typically discuss Apocalypse, Pls—our student movie—or talk about… whatever it is we talk about. (Recent conversation topics have been: shipping, my apparent physical resemblance to Benedict Cumberbatch, college roommates, and social awkwardness)
For some reason (lack of sense on the managers’ parts, or perhaps their desire to watch our muted but amusing antics), Finn and I are often placed side by side on the line, I (typically) one spot head of him.
Our placing (much like orchestral seating) means that I am sort of technically in charge of him during these hours, a power I abuse frequently. Finn, being an artistic perfectionist, loves to take his time lovingly arranging the vegetables on each customer’s sandwich. I, being a logistical perfectionist, have little patience for this, although Finn insists, “Gosh, Sherly, it’s gotta be perfect.”
Driven by his unnecessary perfectionism, Finn plans on opening a sandwich restaurant in the style of Sammy’s, the main difference being that—instead of making everyone’s meal in thirty seconds—the workers treat it as a work of art, and spend two hours making it as perfect as possible. I am, as those of you who know me would expect, not on board with this idea. But I digress.
Finn and I have an immature rivalry in regards to most things, and our work is no exception. I pride myself on my efficiency in everything I do, so I find myself racing to finish my task before Finn’s equivalent one has been completed. We’re both fairly juvenile about the whole thing.
Me [upon mayo-ing the bread before Finn has the deli meat ready]: Hurry up, Finn.
Finn [upon beating me in a similar situation]: Sherly, I’m waiting; gosh! You’re so slow, hurry up!
One of Finn’s proudest moments was when he learned that he was coordinated enough to dole out both sauce (oil and vinegar) and oregano on a sandwich at once, while I was not. He spent the rest of our shift rubbing in that he could do something that I could not. I was unamused, until I figured out his secret.
And so our rivalry endures.
One-liners (or, amusing things my coworkers have said)
Note: there are literally hundreds of stories I could tell you about amusing incidents that have occurred at Sammy’s. Instead of doing so, however (I don’t have the patience, and I know you don’t either), I’ll just tell you the punchlines. In the words of my friend June, KTHXBAI.
[to Sherly] You’ve got alien legs. –Kirk [INTP]
[after miming shooting something with French Bread] Bread? More like DEAD? –Finn
She’s like Batman, except she’s Jazz-man! –Kirk
[about Fake Joshua] It’s a Messianic thing—we’re forever waiting for the Real Joshua –The Admiral
[about a rubber octopus] I thought I had killed that [redacted]! –Jazz-man [INFP]
[about Sherly] She’s wouldn’t be so quiet if she didn’t take “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” so literally. –Adam K [ESTP]
You have no idea how fired you are. –The Admiral
[to Kirk] Hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t think bald eagles can actually cry. –Sherly
[to a customer] Would you like some crunchy water circles on your sandwich? –Kirk
Not in MY AMERICA! –Jazz-man
[to Sherly] You’re like the lovechild of Benedict Cumberbatch and his female self. –Finn
[to Charlie, after handing over a delivery receipt] Delivery up for Candy Mountain… –Kirk
D&D Dave, a former employee obsessed with RPGs, was the original cuke sniper. (Thanks to him, I can tell you from experience that a sliced cucumber on the neck is not a pleasant sensation.) In his absence, however, the antics have continued. When there is a lull in sales, employees assigned to run the line (who, mind, possess direct access to an almost unlimited quantity of ammo) slice the cucumbers into deadly thin slices out of sheer boredom and ambush passerby. Finn and I do this to each other frequently. A manager of ours, whom I’ll call Kirk [INTP], came upon one of our little battles one day and decided to escalate it by nailing both of us. Repeatedly, and with deadly accuracy. The skirmish ended in our swift surrender and my desperate shouting of a famous Finn-ism: “NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!” as I was pelted by cucumber slices.
I work with a bunch of savages.
Spotify vs. Sammy Sounds
Once upon a time, Sammy’s had the perfect background music—thanks to my best friend, Spotify. Each one of the managers had their own favorite playlist. Subsequently, each playlist was of varying quality, but overall pretty great. It gave the restaurant a pretty distinct personality, something I appreciated about where I worked. One day, an entity Kirk likes to refer to as “The fun police” decided to mandate our music via a corporate-created music software called “Sammy Sounds”—like Spotify, but with a limited selection of songs, seemingly (although I may be exaggerating) mostly Taylor Swift and homogenous house music.
It was, unsurprisingly, almost universally hated. We put up with it for months (the managers weren’t keen on losing their jobs in order to retain the integrity of their music tastes), but one day the GM (an operatically-trained karaoke enthusiast and acting aficionado known as the Admiral) finally cracked under the heavy-handed psychological torment exerted by overexposure to Swedish House Mafia, and—much to their employees’ delight, [redacted] Sammy Sounds and risk the consequences.
We’re all quite a bit happier, now that we can listen to the music we enjoy, and so far no one has been smote.
So each day at Sammy’s Speedy Subs, as we listen to the dulcet sounds of Daft Punk, the Flaming Lips, Muse, and Queen, I am reminded of the value of doing what you want—provided you’ve calculated the risk.
The following story includes amateur ukulele playing, unusual selfies, face-palm moments and (originally) contrived tomfoolery.
Yesterday, Sherly, Finn, Marty and I were slated to film the fight scene from our (eternally unfinished) student film, “Apocalypse, Pls.” These filming sessions are notorious for being unproductive and amusing–so much so that Sherly suggested I bring my iPad to document the misadventures that would, undoubtedly, result from the NFPs’ inability to focus.
(If you’re curious, the fight scene involves an epic showdown between Finn’s character, Ivan Yuri, and Marty’s, Sozai. Ivan has the power to control electricity, while Sozai can stop hearts with his hands.)
Sherly was spot-on, as usual.
The first hour or so was spent with us getting lost on the internet, Finn playing the “Adventure Time” theme song on my ukulele, and someone somehow running across this beauty.
Yes, that is a seductive banana, in case you were wondering.
Marty made a few fashion statements, as well.
We also took pictures for the cover of an album of Finn and Scout’s band, “God Bless These Fat Bears.” (I will not post said pictures due to Finn antics.)
Finally, Sherly, giving in and accepting the inevitable (that we would not be getting anything done), proposed we go outside and have a misadventure that I could blog about.
After grabbing a soda or two and my ukulele, we wandered into the overgrown field around the church without looking back.
“All right, we need to have a goal,” Sherly insisted.
Marty, Finn and I pointed out that it was amusing that she was planning our misadventure.
“No, we need to have something we’re trying to do so that we can fail to do it.”
Hmm. Not a bad summary of what it means to have a misadventure, actually.
We decided that we wanted to get to the “river” that ran close by. Not a difficult goal; it wasn’t far away.
The problem was, about this time, Finn was struck with a startling revelation.
“We’re locked out of the church!”
Finn, who was the only one present who was a member of the church we’ve been using as a setting for our movie, was supposed to carry a key with him so that we could get inside when no one was there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten it in his haste to get outside and have an adventure.
“I thought to ask you, but I figured you would be offended that I was insinuating you were forgetting something that important,” Sherly remarked as he freaked out. His laughed response was, “No, I would’ve been all, “Oh shoot, I forgot the keys!”
The following hour was spent standing beside the river that was our set destination, playing tunes on the ukulele, writing country music (“Once upon a time I cared what people thought, but now my life is a Japanese pop song.“), hearing stories from Marty that we didn’t want to hear, casting celebrities to play our Apocalypse, Pls characters and listening as Finn tried to call someone to come unlock the church.
Marty also escaped.
We were swinging on the playground when a car pulled into the parking lot.
Finn left Sherly and I to sit and have a conversation, a conversation that was, apparently, so enthralling that we didn’t notice him opening and slamming the door behind us for a solid minute.
Shortly after we were readmitted to the church, Sherly had to leave. We went outside to wait for her mother, who was completely, entirely on time. (This is a bit odd to NFPs such as Finn and I.) The last thing we heard from her was incoherent muttering as she crossed the parking lot.
Finn and I made “Lolwut?” faces at each other, then laughed and hurried back to make sure we hadn’t locked ourselves out again.
Antics summary #2: Always ask the question that shouldn’t need asking, because sometimes we NFPs overlook important things when we’re busy doing what we want!